I(25f) have been dating my boyfriend (27m) for seven years and I'm about to end it because of a stupid question he asked me. Like two days ago we were chilling at his place and out of nowhere he asked me if I could ever raise someone else's child. I was confused since I'm Child free and so is he so I said that he knows I don't even want kids of my own. He clarified that it means if I'd ever raise and accept a kid that my partner would have in an affair. Honestly I was speechless, I don't even know what I was feeling in that moment. Anger? Confusion?
I think I stayed there in silence for a few minutes before I tried to justify and say that “the hypothetical child” is not at fault in this situation. At that point I was starting to get angry and asked him if he's trying to tell me something. He got mad at me and asked me how could I even assume you do something like this and that it was just an innocent question.
I started to feel like throwing up so I just left this place. I haven't left my my place since then he has tried to reach out and I assume told our mutual friends about what happened because some of them too have been reaching out and telling me to hear him out. I haven't replied to anyone I just feel so drained and mad. He went from again trying to say that the child is innocent to saying is sorry to telling me I'm overreacting and so on.
I don't think I've calmed yet entirely and maybe I will regret this when I will get back to my senses but I decided to break up with him. I don't think I could ever fully trust him after this even if this question was indeed innocent.
He knows my family's history with cheating he knows I lost my grandpa because he made some bad decisions after his wife cheated on him. He knows my grandma has been mistreated her entire life by a cheating man he knows all of this so I don't understand why he'd think it was okay to ask me this. Even if I'm in fact overreacting this question planted some ugly thoughts into my mind that I don't think I can get rid of, and I'm gonna throw down the drain a 7 year old pretty much perfect relationship because of his stupid question.
I decided to meet him and talk, we did end at first he denied that he ever did anything and said he just randomly thought of that question but in the end he admitted that he did cheat on me.
He swore that it was just a mistake and it only happened once but the woman had cheated on me with got pregnant and didn't want to terminate it. He said that he didn't want to lose me because of a mistake and that it loves me more than anything but confessed that he too wishes to raise that kid and was hoping he could do it with me because being in a relationship with me feels so natural and comfortable to him and he can't imagine raising a child with someone else.
He confessed to his friends and they told him he should try to warm me up to the idea and since he knew that the biggest reason why I'm child freeze my fear of being pregnant I figured that I might agree to it because someone else was delivering the baby.
He told me that he was always hoping I changed my mind and that while he still regrets what he did we should view it as an opportunity. At that point I was close to losing it and I almost started screaming at him, I know I should probably work on that too then I asked him why he thought I'd agree with this when he knows about what happened to my grandpa and grandma because of their cheating spouses and he said that this is completely different.
After that I honestly couldn't listen to him anymore so once again I just left. I blocked all of our supposedly mutual friends who kept defending him and I also blocked him I'm devastated that our relationship is ending like this but he did the one thing that he knew would hurt me the most and I couldn't see myself ever forgiving him or accepting his child even though he is right that the child is innocent maybe some of you were right when you said that he dodged a bullet because I would have been a terrible stepmom probably.
After that I blocked him at his friends so he tried reaching out to my friends and he also came by my place three times and tried to get me to listen to him. I didn't open the door and just ignored him. After the third time my best friend and her boyfriend asked me if I'd like to live with them for a while so maybe he'll stop bothering me. It worked.
I also told my parents what happened and they were heartbroken since our families have been friends since before both of us were born and they considered him part of our family but they support and understand my decision hundred percent.
They also talked to his parents and found out that he lied to them and told them that I wanted to take a break from our relationship because I'm ‘losing feelings for him and I want to explore my sexuality’ which is not true and I've never even even once told him something like this. My parents told them the truth and they reached out and apologized for what he did and told me that they support me as well.
Also one of the friends that suggested he tries to warm me up to the idea messaged a friend of mine and he basically said that he knows he messed up and that he's terribly sorry for suggesting that in the first place and for being a bad friend to me I told my friend to just ignore him. I guess it's nice that he acknowledged his mistake but I just don't feel like dealing with any of them anytime soon.
Honestly I'm trying to tell myself that he's not worth it but it still hurts and it feels awful I thought we were both happy together and that I was enough for him but I guess not.
So yeah that's about it, I'm slowly getting better and I have a lot of wonderful and supportive people around me which helps a lot. I'll stay away from relationships for a while and just focus on myself. I will also try therapy like some of you kindly or not so kindly suggested!
Some people suggested I got tested for STD's and I'm clean thankfully. Second of all, I saw some people being mean to my ex’s affair partner but I'd like to ask you all to not think badly of her. She reached out to me because she wanted to apologize and tell me her side of the story.
I agreed to meet her and she told me what happened. Basically she and my ex met a few months ago in a club, he was there having a bachelor party thrown for one of his friends. They met there and started talking, he told her he was single and they hooked up. After that they remained in contact and occasionally hooked up.
She showed me proof their texts, and had been lying to her about being single and not wanting a serious relationship, she enjoyed the thing they had going on I didn't want a relationship either so they remained hump buddies I guess.
They met around seven months ago and are found a month ago she found out she was pregnant. She told him that she wants to keep it and that if he doesn't want to be in the kid's life she's okay with it but she's keeping it. He insisted on being in a kid's life but came clean about being in a relationship with me. From then on she told him that he needs to tell me the truth or she will tell me herself.
So yeah that's the backstory. She was really sweet and apologetic and I really wish her and the baby nothing but the best. Hopefully the baby will take after their mother only.
Now answer the questions:
Why aren't we married after seven years of dating?
I already mentioned in a comment that I do not want to get married. I don't see the points in it to be honest. I talked to him about this and he told me he is fine with it as he doesn't see the points in marriage either.
Why don't we live together?
We live in two separate places. Basically my place is really really close to my job. The job that I have required me to sometimes go there out of nowhere but it pays really well. He is currently studying, I'm not sure what's called in English but he's doing the studies you do after getting your master's degree, this place is really close to his university. Neither of us were willing to give up on this Advantage we had so we decided to talk again about moving in together after it finishes his studies.
One particular person has been quite nasty and said that no wonder he cheated on me because I basically trapped him with false hope that one day we'd have a happy family.
I'd like to say that I've always been open about my wishes regarding my future. He knew me and what I wanted as we've been friends before dating since our families are close. He told me four years that he is more than okay with what I want. I thought we were very open to each other.
I've always voiced my complaints/want/needs and I've always encouraged him to do the same and vice versa. Like I already said I thought our relationship was perfect. This might sound cold and bitchy to some people but even if I loved him if I knew our views don't align I wouldn't have committed to a seven year old relationship with him.
I still haven't replied back to him or his friends yet and I don't think I will. His parents are still very apologetic to me and it kind of makes me feel bad since it's not their fault. They're extremely mad at him and stop supporting him financially.
I moved back in my place two days ago and he thankfully stopped trying to reach out to me. I'm still not over it completely as I've spent the last seven years of my life loving him but having a relationship, any kind of relationship with them again is out of question.
Thank You!
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