I CAN’T FORGIVE MYSELF! I KEPT MY MOM’S SECRET AND DAD DISOWNED ME...

I'm (26f). My mom is 45 and dad is 46.

It's going to be a long and harsh ride but I'm okay to cuss, abuse, curses because I very much deserve and numb to them after going through this much. Never in my life have I thought I'd be in this place. My life is a mess right now...

I'm the only child of my parents. They met when they were as young as 16 and had me when my mom was 19 and dad 20. I was an unplanned pregnancy. My father is no less than man any woman would want to be with. He cooked, worked, did everything, literally kiss the ground my mom walked on. I never thought of him being unreasonable or anything negative. He was a family man but someone you'd love to be with.

My mom is cool too, she was always there for me and helped me out however she can. My dad wanted to have more kids but my mom didn't (never told me why) so when i was 16, (mom was 35 then) my dad had an accident and became bedridden for seven months. Though we never had to worry about finances, I studied at a private school (we were not from states, but still it cost a lot where I'm from) there were bills, so mom got a job in the following months, she was in my dad's shoes. She did everything, and I too helped her out with chores sometimes.

Here's the kicker, she met someone and became emotionally involved. One day (dad was bedridden for five months at that point if i remember right) she came to my room and silently broke down crying after my dad dozed off. She told me she likes someone from work. She isn't attracted to my dad. This whole ordeal is too much for her. She has needs too. She showed me her text messages and told me about the guy (he was 26 at the time), they were flirting.

I was young at the time, seeing her break down broke my heart. I wasn't close to my dad as much as i was to my mom (because mom was the one to spend more time with me than my dad at the time, I know it sounds stupid but I was a teenager then) I told her I understood and I'd cover for her. She began coming home later, we both told dad it was just her work.

I never got involved until one day my mom told me she wanted to meet and discuss a very important topic. We went out and I met that guy for the first time he was a creep. Shaggy clothes nothing like my dad. I don't even know why my mom chose this a-hole over my dad. We sat down at a fancy dinner place and my mom told me she was expecting a baby. I was like WHAT! They had the audacity to kiss right in front of me.

I was pathetically disgusted by them. I told them what did they plan? She told me she doesn't know. She wants to keep this baby but she loves my dad too. It was an awkward time and we came home that night. We talked the night and she said she wants to keep the baby. I, again naively chose to keep my mouth shut.

So after this, my mom drops the news to my dad that she's pregnant and my dad is delighted but visibly worried as finances are still in the question. So in the next two months, he begins to do exercises and therapy so he can go to work again even after doctors said he still needs time. He joins work and put my mom into the stay home mom position like before. Her affair was short-lived.

When my brother was born, my dad didn't sign the birth certificate. He bought a set of paper but refused to tell me what is it. Mom was still in c-section and he never told me what happened. He refused to acknowledge my brother. When my mom was brought home. He told her he wants a divorce. It hit mom like a truck, she literally had a mental breakdown. She kept begging and crying hysterically. My dad was indifferent and told her he knows everything. He regrets ever having me because “I'm an ungrateful and entitled selfish person” just like her.

They had an argument when I was holding my brother. He called her wh*re and that she couldn't keep her legs crossed and wants him to raise the child of infidelity. Mom kept crying and begging for forgiveness. He packed up his bags and left. They got divorced which took eight months to be finalized. I don't know how much details but dad would pay spousal support for my mom and child support for me.

Mom got the house and besides this everything was settled. He willingly gave away primary rights of me to my mom, even refused having weekends, just supervised visitation. He never once reached out to me. I reached out to him countless times throughout during and after divorce. But never once did he want to be involved in my life.

When I turned 18, he called me once, I remember I was elated that day. But to my surprise, he was cold. He just told me he hopes i stay happy and that he forgives me for what i did but can't forget he was betrayed by his own blood. He told me he disowns me. It hit me hard. Harder than I ever hoped. I remember I fell on the ground and cried. I called my mom names and that she ruined our family. I even cussed my brother that he's a constant reminder of what she did and i can't ever have a father again.

After divorce, mom never really dated anyone. She got into depression and got into a crappy but decent paying job, rented out one of the rooms in the house to make ends. She still celebrated her wedding anniversary, cry sometimes. My brother often asks about his father but I don't have an answer except for “we don't have one.”

It's been nine years since the divorce. Mom never really moved on. She occasionally hooks up but never thought of settled down. She thinks working a 60k a year job and getting rents from a single room is enough to make ends for the rest of our lives.

My dad on the other hand, got his life together, started a business, remarried and has a son. I often scroll his profile he never accepted my friend/follow request and ignores my texts. But what I've learned is he's living a great life. I know I don't deserve to say it, I am much to blame as much as my mom for destroying our lives and my brother's life but I miss my dad.

I miss him a lot. I miss the times we had as a family. I went through heartbreaks, graduation, I was in an accident and I didn't have my dad beside me. It feels like my insides are screaming. I tried to meet him, but when he found out I wanted to meet him, he moved to another city.

I had a son last year, he looks so much like my dad. I want to name him after my dad and I want him to meet him. I'll be getting married by the end of this year and I want nothing more than my dad to walk me down the aisle. I f**ked up I want him to scream at me, tell me i don't deserve to be his daughter. I want him to be angry but I want him in my life I want my dad. All these years and not a single day goes by I don't miss him.

I've sent long emails explaining and apologizing but no response. I met him once November 2020, I walked up to him and said hi (he was with his son and wife) he looked up straight in my eyes and replied who am I? When I told him I was his daughter with tears in my eyes, he said he doesn't have one and walked away. I was with my fiancé

he handled me.

My dad is by no means a bad person. He did everything any normal person in his shoes would. I know I don't have the right to apologize or even ask him for anything but for once I want him to acknowledge me. I just want him to acknowledge me for a single day which is on my wedding and i want him to look me in the eye and tell me I'm his daughter.

Thank You!